Bullets Already Spent

A Typical, Loving Relationship – a friend at work asked me to write this so he could then examine it for a philosophy paper. He needed a “gray area” to examine whether or not the characters should be punished for their actions. He concluded that yes, they should be punished.

Accidental Discharge – Two buddies get together just to smoke some PCP and eventually their conversation turns to why one guy is porking the other guy’s girlfriend. And yes, everything works out in the end.

All Had Been Reclaimed Now – Image sitting on the beach with a perfect stranger, enjoying the first warm meal you’ve had in days. Just you, her, the water and that’s it. Well, besides the apocalypse.

All’s Well That Ends Well – My story about bullying. Well, a story about bullying. The good folks at Thunderdome were wonderful enough to put up there and even tacked a picture on for good measure. You gotta love when someone puts an image to your words.

Before They Died They Called Me God -a semi-literary science fiction tale where I wanted to personify an atomic bomb. You know, the usual stuff where it thinks its God and wants complete obedience before it nukes everyone. It sauntered off course from there, but it worked. Richard Thomas helped me out with the editing and for that I am thankful.

Best – Some dudes give their best to the wrong people. So when they decide to change their lives and give their best to the right people–or in this case, a dog–how can you blame them for being horrible their entire lives?

Brawny Diva Goes For A Latte – What could go wrong with a former Navy-boxer-turned-crossdresser goes to meet his pill dealer and gets infuriated at said dealer’s disrespect?

Buying Time (the 1/20/2010 dated entry) – based on a story I heard from a former jail deputy, this flash fiction piece shows just how far some dudes have to go to buy a little time.

Cheated – It was editor Joe Clifford wrote this about the story: “You may’ve had some shitty, soul-crushing jobs, but nothing like this luckless bastard. It’s like the Boss says. You spend your life waiting for a moment that just don’t come…” * Included in Issue #8 of Out of the Gutter.

Collection – Ernest needs to fill his maternal void, get some new friends, and well, fill other voids as well…

Contact Shots Are Bad Like That – posted under the name Derek Kelly – This is the opening chapter for my forthcoming book “The Subtle Art of Brutality” being put out by Snubnose Press. A great deal of thanks to Dave at BTAP for hooking a brother up like this. Richard Dean Buckner interviews a man at gun point about what happened to a little girl. PS, this is the best opening line I have ever put down on paper.

Disco Rumble Fish – A Richard Dean Buckner novella, this story takes place in the 1970s where Buckner is on the SWAT team and tasked with bringing down a ballsy criminal who aided a mobster in escaping jail. I love this one. It’s included in All Due Respect Books’ Two Bullet Solve Everything.

Douche – Ben and Cheri are a new couple. In the drug and lust-fueled met at a party kind-of way. But when Cheri decides to OD on Ben’s dope, and Ben considers what Cheri’s newly paroled big brother will do to him when he finds out, Ben does what a playa has to do. You know, fire, lying, spreading blame. That kind of thing.

Formula and Meth –  Who said making fun of strippers couldn’t turn into an All Due Respect anthology-worthy short story? Throw in some dope, scams, explosions and you’ve got this story.

Grease Monkey Bokur – When a mechanic goes off his meds and believes he is better than a doctor because he can resurrect a rust bucket, well, hilarity ensues. And by hilarity, I mean absolute horror.

He Found A Hollow Point Vampire Fang – a bizarre little thing I put together using a couple of my buddies’ names and that “oh, shit” moment where everything changes.

In Defense Of Castles In The Air – an RDB story where he stops a pimp from beating up a pregnant prostitute, only to get involved in a rolling gun fight which ends up at a police station.

Incident In The Workplace – I hate The Easter Bunny and I wanted to get published at Thrillers, Killers and Chillers in a bad way. Unfortunately for the world, TK’C shuttered their doors. But, Thrills, Kills ‘n Chaos sprung up in its place, helmed by Dave Barber of TK’C fame. So, I put this little ditty together and hoped they would pick it up. Post-bribes, they did.

Invasion of the Demon Ninjas or How a Modern Day Bathhouse Saved Our World – Included in the comedic/bizarro collection Junk. I got nearly 10K words about how evil ninjas opened a portal into Earth so they could invade it, but they opened the portal over the most densely populated and well-armed rest stop this side of Caligula. Hijinx–offensive hijinx, but still–ensue.

The Invincible Ironclad – tells the story of a WWII vet named Henry who discovered he couldn’t be killed during the invasion of Normandy. When he returned from the war he continued fighting evil in his home town. One night Henry encountered an enemy who could kill him, and afterwards a severely injured Henry had to retire. Now, so many years later, a new hero has risen up to take Henry’s place. But when that hero faces off against the one enemy that could kill Henry, Henry must come out of retirement to help to save the life of a threatened little boy. Along the way he learns a few secrets that will change him forever.

It Attacks! – A serialized goofball science fiction story, this one is about two alien walker/saucer things that crash near NYC and hunt all over The Big Apple looking for another alien. So they can kill it. The whole city gets thrashed and it was a great time. Part one is available here in Dark Corners magazine, volume 1, issue 2. Part two is here, part three is here.

It Just Goes Downhill From Here – Ever realize you just killed that tranny hooker and wondered how you were going to fit it in your trunk? Well, here is step-by-step instructions done in 2nd person narration just to make it more fun.

Junior Detective – A comedic take on a self-important hospital security guard who may or may not be on a mission to defend the world against evil. Or, he might just want farm-fresh eggs.

Last Rites – A split flash story between uber-author Chris Leek and me. It tells the last conversation between a down and out couple who had a theft gone south.

Never A Vessel Large Enough – An upcoming story in an anthology called Exiles. It’s about a man who wants to be away from humanity until he gets his wish. And if the drowned corpses of all the last people he saw are floating around in the water beside him, so be it.

Obsidian – My Zelmer Pulp weird western. The sheriff sends Deputy Buford to go check on another deputy who never came back from hunting a bounty. What Buford finds is an outlaw who is unaffected by time and even death, who is hounded everywhere by a living black mist and who carries the decapitated head of his old flame in a satchel. And he talks to it. And he kills for it.

On A Grave – when a couple whose relationship is built on one-upping their previous sexcapade goes a little too far, things more powerful and less mortal than they are show up to express their displeasure. *which is included in the anthology Bonded by Blood III: languish in Lament. Snatch it up here.

One-sided Conversation – Another RDB short.

Role Playing For The Early Patricidist – easily my most pretentious title. This is a quick story about a boy trying to work out his parents’ problems with his playthings.

The Roach Motel ReputationLink – it’s in Issue #7 under the name Derek Kelly – Another RDB short. Probably my favorite one. It’s also collected in Zelmer Pulp’s noir anthology Maybe I Should Just Shoot You In The Face.

Self Preservation – My attempt at a zombie story. Which I had a lot of fun with.

Some Solid Dick – A grandson who just got out of prison for a sodomy beef lives his turd grandfather. Needless to say, they don’t like one another but use each other for their own ends. It’s a family thing.

Something Better – Included in the fantasy issue New Realm by eFiction books. It’s a father/son story that takes place against the backdrop of a cyclical dragon apocalypse. And some people have wings.

Squeezing – An active shooter goes hog wild on a college campus. In the Near to the Knuckle anthology Gloves Off. Also features two other Zelmer Pulp authors Brian Panowich and Chris Leek.

Sweet, Little Ghosts – Barry is drunk on the thirtieth anniversary of his sister Lexi’s disappearance. He’s not handling it well.

They Were So Cuddly Way Back When – Dope and the Care Bears. Sorry for ruining your childhood.

They’re Pros, Each And Every One – My ridiculous bank robbery gone wrong story is in Shotgun Honey’s second anthology. I loved every second of writing this story.

Turn That Frown Upside Down – A guy with nothing left to lose stops by to visit Ted. Ted stole this guy’s family while the guy was in the hospital fighting terminal cancer. Hijinx ensue. This story very closely resembles the revenge fantasy my old sergeant had should he ever find himself terminally ill. Seriously.

Wherever The Light Ends – My Zelmer Pulp sci-fi story. Follow a pair of twin sisters who, in their youth, were abducted by aliens. Now that they’ve passed away, whatever those aliens planted inside them is coming to a violent fruition.

Uncluttering – A mother needs to blow off some steam. Up at Near to the Knuckle. This one bothers people. Fair warning.

28 Days of Mutilated Zombie Whores Later – My half of the very first Zelmer Pulp book. My story takes place two years after our zombie apocalypse, and some dude named Nelson gets by the way any of us would. He maintains a zombie harem and trades their time and services to anyone who shows up with physical goods. You know, bullets, food, et cetera. But when another guy shows up with a living girl, things go south and in a hurry.

Oh Amanda, How I Will Reclaim Thee – for sale in the collection ‘Branded Words’ available here.

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